Doula observations · Postpartum

Motherhood Exposed

I have been struggling to find motivation. I’ve fallen behind on my StillBirthday training, rarely blog, and my house is in shambles right now! I’ve been in this rut recently and I want to be able to be honest about that. We all fall in ruts, but we only ever show the instagram ready pictures, messy corners blurred or cropped away. We show the world via social media that we are confident and competent adults. We might joke about not being able to “adult”, but in the end the takeaway is that everyone has their shit together… oh, everyone except me.

I post the same things. I post pictures like this:

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But rarely do I post the honesty behind them. That was the right before we left to return home and then I had to wrestle and struggle to get two very tired and cranky girls back into street clothes and haul them back to the truck. I had to deal with screaming through the first half of dinner because we had to wake them up to feed them. I ended up looking something like this:

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Piled with fussy kids and fed up.

So here’s my honesty. I’m struggling, but I’m doing okay. Bills are paid late, but they’re paid. I’ve fallen behind, but I’m slowly catching up. My house is a disaster, but my laundry is (mostly) clean.

I wear my toddler everywhere not because I’m a model of attachment parenting, but because it’s easier than chasing her or fighting with her to stay on her bum in the cart or stroller. I raise my voice to my kids more than I want to, and my 3 year old knows almost all of the “mean words” I use while driving.

I’ve lost some really good friendships this year over stupid things, choices that I made, and I’m still dealing with the fallout. Most days we are in survival mode.

And that’s okay. It’s okay to be in survival mode. It’s okay not to know where you’re going to find the energy to make it through until nap time or until you take the kids to school or until you can escape on that much needed date night.

I keep trying to reassure myself that it will get better. One day, I will have the gumption to clean the house and cook dinner and lose weight and wear makeup. One day I won’t be so far behind on bills.

Right now, this is my life.

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It’s full of sass and tantrums and misunderstandings galore. It’s full of tedious questions, frustrations, and feelings of being touched out. It’s snapping at my husband on a good day because I’m so afraid it will turn into a bad day that I lash out.

It’s stupid mistakes and my kids’ childhoods. I’m trying to embrace it, trying to make memories that will last. But sometimes, I just want to run away.

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…and that’s okay. That’s normal. You aren’t a bad person if you can’t keep up on your house and keep the kids alive at the same time. It doesn’t make you a bad wife to have absolutely no libido after holding and nursing and being smothered by kids all day. It doesn’t make you a bad mom to seriously consider giving your kids to the next sweet older lady to joke about stealing them. It makes you normal.

This time is hard.

And you’re gonna be okay.

Join a support group and/or see a counselor or doctor if you think you might be dealing with more than just “mommy stress”. There’s a really great postpartum group that meets in South Ogden. Join a babywearing group and meet other moms. Commiserate with other moms on Facebook!

And remember, this

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is normal.

Don’t forget to like me on Facebook! https://www.facebook.com/notreblemotherhood/

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